Keliru diri ini.
Mungkin kerana aku terlalu cemburu. Cemburu akan semua yang berlaku di sekeliling aku. Aku sedih tapi aku tutup dengan rasa gembira ketawa sekuat hati, biar tiada seorang pun tahu apa sebenarnya yang terjadi. Cemburu ini bukan lah seperti, kau cinta dia, dan aku rasa nak mengamuk, belasah dia sampai terbalik, sampai lebam, tidak. Aku cemburu kepada berapa tinggi orang pergi, berapa jauh orang langkah. Itu definisi cemburu bagi aku. Mungkin masa aku belum tiba, peluang aku belum sampai, satu hari nanti, akan pasti. Itu aku katakan pada diri ini, yakinkan hati ini. Tetapi, hati aku, hanya hati seorang remaja perempuan yang mungkin sampai bila akan kuat berdiri atas kaki sendiri, bila ombak dan angin yang menerjah itu kuat bagai tsunami yang melanda tapi tiada air, hanya derasnya yang terasa. Faham? Aku tetap merasa diri ini seprang. Memang aku ada kakak, aku ada adik, tetapi, sepatah kata mereka, aku kan kakak yang perlu berlagak kuat. Berlagak kuat, macam semunya tenang tiada masalah. Hanya sekali sekala aku akan meluah. Dan kata mereka lagi, aku perlu berhenti meluah. Berhenti meluah. Mungkin itu akan kujadikan resolution untuk tahun baru ini. Maaflah kalau sebelum ini itu semua menyakitkan hati kamu dan kamu dan kamu semua. Tetapi itu aku. Fine! Aku akan stop. Aku akan berhenti.

Posted on Sunday, January 6, 2013 at 8:36 PM


reply
Knowing that I'll be missing you - 
Im sure it will cost me everything to be tough.
And I know its a lot to ask,
but, wait for me?


Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me.


You let me hear the song,
And Im the kinda girl who take every words seriously,
I know it is too much to dream, to hope for one thing
that Im pretty much sure that it will hardly happen,
not anywhere near,
not anytime closer,
but, those words, 
is it too much if I consider it as a reply?

If it is not what I thought it is,
just let me be,
dont tell me,
its the only hope I have for now.
Let me be in my own dream
Let me live my fairytale,
You dont need to tell me anything
I know there is no happy ending with happily ever after.
I just need a reason to smile.
Coz those laughs, happy faces
I dont know if its actually real
my heart and mind are pretty empty and clouded
that's all I know, for now.



Posted on Tuesday, December 4, 2012 at 11:13 PM


Stop Messing Around
Not doing good recently. Could easily feel tired. Lethargic. Exhausted. One day trip to Singapore and I was not even taking the public transport, could drained out all of my energy. Im pretty sure it wasnt because of the fasting month. Its not like I have never fast during school days before. I dont know why Im typing this down. But, Im not asking for attention or any sympathy. I just feel like blogging. That's what bloggers do anyway. It's three in the morning and Im still wide awake. Blame it on the ice tea I had. The caffein in it is strong enough to not letting me sleep. I have to put an end to this. School is starting soon. And rumor has it that there will be a number of eight am class. Means, I need to sleep early. Starting from now. My body clock needs to be back to normal. And I need to be back on my discipline. Stop messing around. Stop day dreaming. Stop all those nonsense I pictured in my fairytale mind. Stop hoping for a cinderella story. Stop! 

But, start to think of the new semester. Focus on thhe upcoming modules. Shuts! I dont know since when I get so motivated like this. I think the last time I felt this way was in sec two. This must be good. Should be good. Or not. Either way. I have no clue. There must be hikmah behind all these. Look at the bright side. I need to push my grades. I need to be qualified for that exchange programme. Hopefully. Amin. 


Posted on Monday, August 6, 2012 at 12:13 PM


Second time
Honestly I cried my heart out when you knew I was around but you're not looking. It hurts more than the silence you kept between us. It hurts more than anything you could've imagined. You broke my heart and turned it into pieces. A simple 'hey' doesn't take a lot of effort, I suppose, yet, ignorance was what you thought the best for us. I have all my favourite songs played to make myself happy. I tried to ignore you too. But, all the songs seemed to annoyed me more. They spoke the words of my heart. The lines that remain unspoken. 'Cause, I know, even how hard I try to find the best words to say, you won't be listening. And I don't want to be the one that holds you back. Letting you go, seemed the best option even if it means, Im crashing myself - inside out. Its okay. I through before. Second time won't be a problem.

Posted on Saturday, July 21, 2012 at 11:31 PM


Dilemma
Part One

There's quite a lot of things happened recently. No major one but those lil things put myself in dilemma. Ive been thinking a lot. Been talking to myself. Picturing stuffs in my mind. I dont quite to know what exactly that I wanted. Crush. Love. Relationship. Islam. And Ramadhan is tomorrow. I want to make a change. A better change perhaps. But I dont know. I am so scared that I cant commit. I am scared of dont know what things that would wait for me in the future. I do not want to have myself in an uncomfortable situation where looking back wont solve anything. There is nothing to regret of course, yet, I feel there's too much in the list that I need to do. Sacrifice is one of them. However, I do not mind of doing any sacrifice, but, I think I need a motivation. Something that can boost up my confidence level to start my steps now and leave everything in the past.


Part Two

Been broken hearted twice aint something that is easy to endure such pain. The first one, had brought me to the memories, looking back to the moments which I could let it go now. However, the second one, I have always questioning myself about the future. Will it happen? Is it going to be good? Does he know about what Im feeling. I hope not. And I really hope one day he decided to stand up and tell me the ending or the beginning perhaps. I dont know. God, I feel like crying but there's no more tears left. Ive got to admit, when comes to this part, my tears would be the highest bid. They are expensive.

I would easily burst into tears if my dad scolded me, when I feel like my sisters would not want to appreciate me and when I miss my mom. But, I dont know why, I find it hard to let go when its the matter of heart. The matter of love.

Part three

I guess an empty heart with an empty soul, will just brought me sorrow. An empty mind without a single thought would crash me inside out. Please, I just need someone to guide. Someone who could help me out, show me the light. 'Cause, all I see is dark.

All alone with a dead end and no sign. Im stuck I don't know. I wish I could see a path that brings me back to life. One holds my hand and gives me strength. Dont let me go. Wait till I know I could stand on my own and I tell, you may go.

I keep showing others the spirits they should hold. No, I dont realise now Im losing control. Knowing there will be only me waiting at the junction, standing in the middle, thinking of which route should I put my steps on, looking around there are only woods and stones. I try to look further, but all I could see is just a blank paper. I couldnt bear the burden anymore.

But my tears aint coming. I guess Im still strong that I don't know. If you could see my heart and my mind, there's a lot of lines and words that you couldnt understand. I myself find it hard to define.

This is real and its happening. I dont just imagine things and create tales-telling. Like I said, I need guidance to bring me closer to Him cause I know Im not that strong as I seem.









Posted on Friday, July 20, 2012 at 2:35 AM


Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

"For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me" 

One wish, I really hope that you will never find this. You shouldnt read this coz it will either break your heart, or mine. Naah, what am I saying, I doubt it'll break yours. Well, to start off, I couldn't sure myself  that those words were meant for me. Either way, they made me sad. Worst feeling ever, yes. For the moment, I hate all songs for knowing my feelings better than myself. I hate everything. I hate the driving out. I hate the night sky. I hate the stars. I even hate the airplanes. I hate almost everything that I love before. Coz from my eyes, there's pictures of you everywhere I'd go. I don't know what's happening? I couldn't explain. I thought you're supposed to be the unintended. I thought you're just driving by. Never meant to knock the door of my heart neither to open the windows of my feelings. Yet, you went inside and remain, knowing that you would have to leave, made your way out. I don't know if its only for a little while or you'll never come back.

But, I would say, when you're making your way out, taking one step at a time - creating unintentional distance, I couldn't help the tears from dropping. I couldn't hold any longer. Coz, when you're gone, I couldn't deny the pieces of my heart are missing you. I miss the moments when you're right here by my side - when you look me in the eyes. Those moments when I caught a glimpse of heaven, my paradise.

Now, all the things I still remember, my days ain't gonna be the same. And all those days we spent out by the lake, has it all gone to waste. Knowing that, I'll try to make my steps too. One step at a time. Ive got to get a move on with my life. I do regret to have that thought of you would stand up and tell me something that I don't know. Something that could light up my world. Something that could make me smile. I thought you would do your part and I would do mine. Well, its just too late to think. Que Sera, Sera. I wish all the best for you.

Someday I know, I might say - reflecting now on how things could've been, well, it was worth it in the end. Even the years go by and the time just seems to fly, memories are but the only things that still remain. In my heart. In my mind. Thanks for everything.




Posted on Saturday, July 14, 2012 at 2:08 AM


Dear mama,
First of all, I just wanna say, I love you and I miss you, a lot. And, guess what, Im turning 21 tml. How time flies. How I wish you're here beside me, watching me turning into an adult. Turning into a lady. I  urm, dont know what else to say. I just miss you, a lot. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss your voice. I miss your eyes.

Posted on Sunday, June 10, 2012 at 3:45 AM


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