There's quite a lot of things happened recently. No major one but those lil things put myself in dilemma. Ive been thinking a lot. Been talking to myself. Picturing stuffs in my mind. I dont quite to know what exactly that I wanted. Crush. Love. Relationship. Islam. And Ramadhan is tomorrow. I want to make a change. A better change perhaps. But I dont know. I am so scared that I cant commit. I am scared of dont know what things that would wait for me in the future. I do not want to have myself in an uncomfortable situation where looking back wont solve anything. There is nothing to regret of course, yet, I feel there's too much in the list that I need to do. Sacrifice is one of them. However, I do not mind of doing any sacrifice, but, I think I need a motivation. Something that can boost up my confidence level to start my steps now and leave everything in the past.
Been broken hearted twice aint something that is easy to endure such pain. The first one, had brought me to the memories, looking back to the moments which I could let it go now. However, the second one, I have always questioning myself about the future. Will it happen? Is it going to be good? Does he know about what Im feeling. I hope not. And I really hope one day he decided to stand up and tell me the ending or the beginning perhaps. I dont know. God, I feel like crying but there's no more tears left. Ive got to admit, when comes to this part, my tears would be the highest bid. They are expensive.
I would easily burst into tears if my dad scolded me, when I feel like my sisters would not want to appreciate me and when I miss my mom. But, I dont know why, I find it hard to let go when its the matter of heart. The matter of love.
I guess an empty heart with an empty soul, will just brought me sorrow. An empty mind without a single thought would crash me inside out. Please, I just need someone to guide. Someone who could help me out, show me the light. 'Cause, all I see is dark.
All alone with a dead end and no sign. Im stuck I don't know. I wish I could see a path that brings me back to life. One holds my hand and gives me strength. Dont let me go. Wait till I know I could stand on my own and I tell, you may go.
I keep showing others the spirits they should hold. No, I dont realise now Im losing control. Knowing there will be only me waiting at the junction, standing in the middle, thinking of which route should I put my steps on, looking around there are only woods and stones. I try to look further, but all I could see is just a blank paper. I couldnt bear the burden anymore.
But my tears aint coming. I guess Im still strong that I don't know. If you could see my heart and my mind, there's a lot of lines and words that you couldnt understand. I myself find it hard to define.
This is real and its happening. I dont just imagine things and create tales-telling. Like I said, I need guidance to bring me closer to Him cause I know Im not that strong as I seem.
Posted on Friday, July 20, 2012 at 2:35 AM